I.
i would get a call, late at night
with an address and a time.
a dull voice croaked at me
these little instructions:
where to enter, how to do it.
i made certain i was there.
i was desperate, getting worse.
days counted off,
i blink and watch my life pass by.
i was running my mouth off at the bar
to anyone that'd listen.
and this one, little guy, would just
sit there
and listen.
never said a word, just listened.
he stared at me and through me
but at the same time its like he wasn't there.
the wallpaper stood out more than this guy.
later that night i was watching
the shadows still in the corners of my room.
if you watch long enough, they come to life,
they seem to shiver
like boiling water that darkness vibrates.
i would wait like this
til the sun scared them off.
my record player was still spinning
long after the album was over.
how long had i been sitting here
watching dust cake?
a chill brushed past me and the faint
sound of paper made my ears prick up.
a small square envelope appeared
on the floor in front of my door.
someone must have slipped it there a second ago.
i walked over
unlocked, unbolted and opened the door.
no one was in the hall,
no footsteps fell on the stairs,
no one breathed,
no one made a sound.
i stood there in the hallway
just watching my neighbor's doors
readjusting myself to the silence.
if i stood still enough i might hear
a breath or the gentle beat
of a heart; someone on the other side of the door
waiting for the chance to move.
i just stood there, still as those shadows.
a minute passed
or maybe it was an hour.
i shut the door
locked and bolted it.
i turned around resting my back on the door
and slipped a finger in a gap along the envelope.
a slip of paper turned on its side
was all i found
with the words,
"sit and wait, and i will call," written on it.
lack of sleep, and my mind ground to a halt.
so i went to the kitchen,
filled a glass with three ice cubes
and a few seconds of gin,
turned a lime in my hands
with my fingernail up
and placed the ragged
green rind in the glass.
i stood in the doorway to my living room
trying to make sense of these small hours
a sip of juniper
and i sat down on my couch.
what could i do?
i waited.
II.
the ice didn't melt
it hardly had a chance.
i drank the first two glasses
as fast as time slips away
but the third lingered.
those shadows on my bookcase
got back to shaking
as i stared them through and through.
they were just as nervous as me.
i got up to pace, not feeling safe
behind that lock and bolt.
i stared through every inch
of my home to see
if there was a tiny camera
trained on me.
checked every speck of mortar
between the bricks in my wall;
peered through the blinds
to the building across the way;
studied the alley below
and each darkened car;
i labored over the frost
collecting on my window pane;
i studied the room intensely
as if it might get up
and jump
at any moment.
my phone
jumped to life
in the stillness
of the room.
it echoed
..
in the room
and in my head.
it jumped to life again
and i grabbed it quick
before it fell silent for good.
i didn't say hello,
i didn't say anything
..
a voice on the other end
cleared its throat.
"well," he croaked
"did..you?"
"yes"
"who are..what do.."
"oh now, let's not waste our time with all that"
his voice was thin and low, he sounded like death.
not foreboding and grand like the death of Man
but dull, like the quiet death of a low creature.
"i take it you are a..desperate man,"
he lingered on the word 'desperate.'
"how could you know that?"
"trivial things, best not to worry"
"but.."
"what is important..
is that i am someone in a position to help you"
"i can help you
if you are willing to"
he let a breath slip,
"attend to a matter for me"
"what sort of matter"
"there is a building on the corner of 19th and evans..
and past this corner is an alley..
and down this alley is a door that never locks tight..
and through this door is a very large and very flammable loft space..
and if this very flammable loft space were to disappear,
you would find an envelope
full of many
hundreds of dollars
would appear under the door
of your three dollar room"
"what are you offering here?"
"well," he paused, "a job"
i stood there
holding the phone
for quite some time
before he croaked,
"i trust the corner of 19th and evans will disappear, then"
"i'll have to think about"
"good, next tuesday morning"
"but i.."
"i trust i won't be disappointed"
the phone went dead
and i was alone again.
my glass left a large, dark ring
on the coffee table.
i stood there
watching the shadows shiver.
