I. And So It Falls

it was elegant. like water. dancing and shimmering. it felt like summer. like falling in love for the first time. a stolen glance between lovers. before they know who they are to one another. a quiet grace. nerves and apprehension. and then, reward.

oh, what a reward.

it was so easy. so natural and good. i was waking up from a long, lonely dream. and oh god was it ecstasy. warm and wet. and mine all mine. i was so giddy i could hardly breathe.

the gentle dizziness of kerosene. all around me. i fondled the matchbook with one skillful hand. rubbed my thumb and forefinger together and snapped a match into another room. like cupid’s arrow. a rush of warmth erupted behind me as i walked the hall.

that little love caressed me, danced around me, up the walls and pooling like water on the ceiling. an inversion of the natural order. that little love, like kind hands all over me.

i began to hum, gentle at first.

“cupid draw back your bow, and let your arrow go”

growing bolder.

“straight to my lover’s heart, for me, for me”

selling it like an old fool in love.

loud and wild, caution be damned.

and they would sing back. all of them. just for me.

distant in my mind. but i knew, were i naked to the storm. they would be shrieking, horror and pain.

skin bubbling up like boiling water.

i put my hands to the ceiling to stroke the acrid, black cloud. to me it felt like a dream. like a warm mist on a cold day.

he promised to protect me. and he did. his love was a shield from harm. a shield from consequence. from agony. i walked in it. amongst it. protected.

flicking lit matches as i strolled the halls. past the fire exits. locked chains snaking around the bar, so no one could leave. i prepared it perfectly. just as he told.

up another flight of stairs. down another kerosene soaked hallway. shooting arrows into my lover’s heart. and up, up, up i went.

a chorus of pleas. of mercy. of fear. of curses. of howls. of tears sizzling off charred, blackened skin. they try to tear at me but his love is a shield, perfect and absolute.

up another flight and another. i dance, fire licking up my sides as their screams subside. down to the end of the hall on the very top. there stands a locked door. i raise my hand and the door buckles outward. like a ruptured submarine. fire rushes past me, now a scalding torrent. a waterfall, orange and yellow. and angry. so angry now.

the roof is sinking and rising. heaving like waves. as i walk on water. toward the edge of the roof. on the ledge. and i feel his love fading. i raise my palms toward the sky and they are blackened. hard and flaking off. like autumn leaves. they trail behind me and hang in the air. still and unmoving. despite the heat, despite the wind. small flecks of fire rain down, slow and easy. barely moving as time stills.

the apartment complex is a deck of cards.

and so it falls.