III. A Leap Of Faith

my whole life was a leap of faith. i was always desperate and small. and so, so afraid.

a small man. i was a low and lonely little creature. obedient and dutiful. but small.

when i started to get sick. when things started to get scattered. my wife left.

i was the recipient of secrets. little sounds. impossible things.

i was the recipient of visions. sometimes loving visions. sometimes fearful visions.

but it was too much for Claire.

she tried. the best anyone could try. but i got more scattered. she suggested a doctor.

but we couldn’t afford that. no honest person could anymore.

and it got worse. it got bad. i got mean. as if the small man i was was growing.

soon there was another man in me. he was mean. i wasn’t mean. i loved her.

so much. too much. but this mean man got bigger and bigger. and so i grew. finally.

he got so big. he just about pushed me out. i told Claire. and Claire cried. and cried.

she was sorry. she said she was sorry. but i was becoming a handful. a busy, large man.

busy mind. more secrets. more visions.

one night. i dreamt of a knife. i dreamt of jagged things. i dreamt of yelling.

small things crashing and exploding. like fireworks. in slow motion.

but the fireworks were old things. in my heart. in Claire’s heart. these small things were love.

they were memories. they were us. the love between us.

and after that dream they were gone for good.

after that Claire left.

bad dreams.

i lost track of time. after Claire left. my job left. my house left. i moved downtown.

to the cheap part of town. somehow i scraped enough together to stay indoors.

and i was lucky for that. a small blessing.

but the visions got clearer. more confusing. and the secrets got meaner.

and i cried. and cried. no one knew me anymore. i don’t think i knew myself.

the mean man grew bigger. he would yell. and i would yell back.

luckily no one cares where i live. you pay by the day.

and no one cares.

the cold trains just dance and dance around this cold little room.

and no one cares.

more time skipped. hard to keep track.

as the visions got more real. my life became less.

i was so scared and small. and the mean man in me got bigger and bigger.

crowding me out. and noise. noise, noisy lies. cruel secrets. lies as big as skyscrapers.

light and magic. and i was adrift.

one night there was more noise than usual.

i couldn’t keep it out. i screamed to keep it all out.

and just like that. the snap of his fingers. and no more noise.

he was beautiful. and grand. golden yellow.

my apartment flooded with light. with love. with warmth.

and loving silence.

the walls shook gentle, in and out of reality. they were there. and then not.

they were slightly bigger. then slightly smaller. different textures. confusing.

but i was safe. he made me safe. no fear. no noise. only love. and his voice.

in me, around me, everywhere. big, warm and loving.

“be still.

and know.

i am your lord”